Where to start, I'm just a normal girl (if you can call someone who is about to turn 29 a girl) who has experienced a variety of circumstances so far in her life. I decided yesterday that I was going to start a diet blog about my struggles with diet and weight loss except that in the course of researching for the blog I realized that my issues run way way deeper than yo-yo-dieting and eating disorders. The seed was planted while I was reading an article called "What's Wrong With This Picture" in this months edition of Oprah (October 2009) in which the author was basically telling me that my "big problem" the one I've been working on all my life (aka my weight) is really just a safety blanket. The author's point is simple, people clutch onto their safety blanket problem in order to avoid dealing with other issues that are the real cause of his/her stress, turmoil, anxiety. Interesting. . .
My mind began to wander. What if all those years of dieting, bouts of anorexia and distress about my weight have really been my subconscious way of trying to gain control over my life and the other things that I had absolutely no control over. Huh. Well, if it was then it didn't work because I clearly do not have control over my weight if I'm still dieting after all these years right? The next question that pops to mind is, if assuming all this stuff is true, then what are all the other issues that I'm avoiding? Suddenly, whooooooosh!!! Trouble breathing, chest closing, anxiety attacks, flashbacks. Shit, maybe I'm onto something. Lets take the hypothesis a step further. . .if my weight issues have been my safety blanket that I have used to shield me from addressing my real issues, then the inverse of that statement should also prove true--if I acknowledge and address my other issues then my eating binges, crash diets, juice fasts, food-related guilt should serve me very little purpose and should be easy to dispense of. Hmm. Lets try it out by way of a blog I thought, then suddenly the hot flashes, chest collapsing anxiety were back, deal with my issues publicly for everyone to read? I can't possibly do that, its too honest! People will hate me and judge me. Luckily (or perhaps not, we'll see with time), I have this little voice that comes into my head sometimes, she is my stronger self, she is the person I know I could be, she says, "Maybe that's just the thing you need. Are you telling me you're afraid of what other people might think of you? Wuss! Don't you know that by doing this you might learn a ting or two about yourself and push yourself to improve as a person? Suck it up! Let's go!" So here we are. But first, a little bit of background. . .
I was born in 1980 in Shanghai and somehow unlike all the billions of other Chinese in the world, I was born FAT, a whopping 10 lbs at birth (my poor mother), a full head of black hair and pink shiny cheeks that looked like I was hiding two giant golf balls in my mouth at all times. I sometimes wonder how it is possible that I can be Chinese at all when I am practically the only Asian woman in the WORLD that is not stick thin and good at math. I have to go on a slight tangent here and explain to my readers that yes I did just stereotype, yes that is part of my sense of humor, no it does not end with Asian jokes and no, I don't mean or actually believe most of my own inappropriate comments--but I assure you there will be plenty of inappropriate comments so take heed all judgmental politically correct people. : )
OK so if you haven't furiously clicked at that little red X in the corner of your browser then I shall continue my story. My parents moved to New York City just after I was born, leaving me in the care of my grandparents who showered me with love and various delicacies, whole steamed fish, the best chicken soups with ham hocks, sweets, treats and everything and anything they thought would help me grow strong and smart. I am told I used to be very fond of steamed calves brains as a child (before you wonder how it is possible for Chinese people eat such disgusting things let me just stop you there and tell you that the French and the Italians are big fans of calf brains as well).
I moved to NYC to join my parents when I was 2. At the time my parents were living in Elmhurst Queens in a 2 bedroom apartment that they shared first with my aunt and later with another woman. Needless to say they were not well off. Both of their families were quite affluent in Shanghai but after the Cultural Revolution we had lost almost everything and my parents went to the US with 40 bucks. So arrives little me, cute as a button (if I do say so myself) with absolutely no idea who these two weird people that kind of look like me are after not having spent a large part of my short little life with them. Gradually I warmed to them and loved them as they loved me. I loved them so much I couldn't get enough of them, unfortunately for me both my parents worked so much I never saw them. I may have seen my mother only once a week and my father 10 minutes a day before my bedtime for the first 5 years of my life. When I did see them though we were insanely happy, reveling in each others' company and in my memory of those times we were always eating.
You may be wondering what my life story has to do with my current diet. 3 days ago I would have told you that it had absolutely nothing to do with my diet. Today however, I am convinced that my past experiences with food have formed the foundation of my relationship with food now. All those memories and emotions associated with food have weaved an intricate web of psychological connections and those connections are what have formed my history with food, dieting, anorexia and binging.
Connection 1: Food = happiness. Chinese people eat all the time. They eat as a way to bond with family and friends, they eat to celebrate holidays and occasions, they eat to mourn. This is very similar to most cultures but in my mind, beginning with my childhood in Queens food meant family, my parents, the warmth of their love.
I remember that every time the ice cream truck came around my parents would give me 50 cents to go down and buy a treat. Some days I chose a vanilla soft serve ice cream in a cone, other days I chose those red white and blue Popsicle with 2 sticks, others I got the cowboy with a gumdrop nose. One thing was constant, when I got ice cream it meant my parents were home, I was happy and I felt loved. Ice cream remains one of my all time favorite things to eat today. Shocker huh?
What the Food-Happiness connection means for me today: I can recall days when I'm not feeling particularly perky, I know that those times I'm prone to lifting my spirits with food. Usually pasta or ice cream. There are other days when I am feeling great and want to celebrate by treating myself to a little something, usually pasta or ice cream. Yup, I use food as a panacea and as a celebratory treat.
Lets end here for today. We shall continue with more history and connections tomorrow. One final note before I end for the day, you may wonder what my stats are as every woman with a eating/dieting/weight obsession will wonder. I am 5 feet 4 inches tall, currently weigh about 158lbs (72 Kilos) with 40% body fat. I look normal, curvy but not fat but I know that my fat content is way too high to be healthy. My heaviest was probably around 165, I can't say for sure because I stopped weighing myself, my lightest was 119 when I was anorexic in college (more on that later). My main goal is to develop healthy lifestyle habits (mental and physical) and shed 20 lbs along the way without resorting to my old habits of starving myself, popping diet pills, binging and relapse. This will begin my journey and I am so pleased to be sharing it with you.
XOXO,
Viva Diva
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